Crappy Day. Wanted to buy a treat so much today. Feeling sad and lost. Want to eat lots of fatty pork chops. Have not felt like this for a few months. When you’re in it all the time at least you get used to dealing with it, but having it smack you out of the blue is not good.
It was here a little bit over the last two days, and I had felt worried each evening that it would be worse in the morning. Today it was worse. I cried a lot today: when I saw my messy bedroom; when the dishes weren’t done; when I had to cook tea; when I dropped a cloth; when I clicked the wrong button on the keyboard.
I’ve been panicky. I was too scared to tell Aaron how I was feeling because it felt like it was going to get me if I started to voice it. I felt like it was taking over me, and I had forgotten how to cope, forgotten my strategies. Stupid. I’ve been telling myself the whole time it never stays good forever. It’s just, when I’m in one state it’s hard to imagine being in another.
I day-dreamed of a cafe with a sign on the door saying Everybody in here feels like shit today. In that cafe there’s no need to appear normal, or happy, or well-adjusted. You can sit and stare into space, with no expectation on you to make happy small-talk. Drink your mochaccino and eat your fatty pork chops. Then walk through to the care rooms. Snuggle on a couch and duvet and doze till you feel better. Send one of the carers to your house to clean up first so you don’t dread going back to it.
I never want to go anywhere again. Last week I felt great. I had energy – I pruned fruit trees all week with my friends. I had dinners organised to eat when I got home, and puddings, and I was so happy. Then crash. How is anyone supposed to plan anything? Crap. I can’t even pin-point why it changed. And I was angry with Aaron when he tried to help me. Excellent nurturing of connections, Karen.
Of course, I’d been at the doctor’s this morning because my meds were running out. I reported to her that I was doing great, ‘really even’!