Warm Earth

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The tree-hut Dad built for me and my sisters, on our family farm where we grew up.

Sad, lost, nothing feels right.  Whenever I think of something to do the thought, ‘but there’s no point’ squashes my idea.  So it’s been a summer of blah and then continuing blah into Autumn.  Too much blah, not enough life.

Time to get off anti-depressants.  They clearly aren’t working.  Next month will mark five years on SSRIs, and the more I read the more it appears to be true that after two years the benefits decrease and the problems (for example depression) increase.  And, finally, Aaron agrees (’cause I made him read a whole lot of stuff).  Which is important because I want his support if things get messy.

I’ve been learning how (and why) to discontinue meds by reading the Beyond Meds blog, joining the Surviving Antidepressants forum, and reading a book by Robert Whitaker called Anatomy of an Epidemic.

I’m a bit scared, a bit unsure what I’ll be like or what I’m heading into.  But I do know my life ain’t worth much as it is.  I’m drowning.  I am so far down in this place I can’t see the edges anymore.  My world has got so small – I am scared to travel, unable to get a job, and markedly lacking energy and motivation.  Yesterday, in my stuck place, I wanted to get to my friend’s farm which is only five minutes drive away, but it felt too far to risk.  I was stuck at home.

So all in all, this is no good.  I need to find our what I do have, what I can have, what there is of me.  Yesterday I lay on the grass down by the plum trees and watched the bare branches against the gray sky.  The earth was warm.

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3 thoughts on “Warm Earth

  1. Anti-depressants are a complex world. I have been on them a few times, but found talk therapy more useful. Yet a very good friend and family members are on them long-term, permanently, and find it the most helpful, more than therapy.
    My friend sometimes wanted to get off them but it caused trouble for her when she tried. She didn’t like to have to take them. Not sure why. I look at it as just another medication, same as my cholesterol lowering medication.
    In fall she would begin to feel worse as our winters in NE America are hard with shorter days and less light. So I would remind her that maybe a tweak in her anti-depressant was in order, a bit more to get through the winter. I share this only because if you slowly want to wean off, spring might be a better time.
    I hesitate to even say anything because it is such an individual choice and of course only you know how you feel and what you want. I so hope for you feel better.
    I just love that last paragraph: “Yesterday I lay on the grass down by the plum trees and watched the bare branches against the gray sky. The earth was warm.” You are quite a writer! Thank you!
    I find so much respite sitting by creek, centering, wholeness and peace. (no plum trees though!)

    • Karen says:

      Wow, thank you for the warm fuzzies:-) Thanks too for sharing your experiences. I’m one of those rare people who find summer hard but love the winter, so autumn is probably fine for me to decrease in. I think people – relationships, talk therapy – are my best bets for healing. And that includes this on-line community of people who read each others posts, and care, and who just get it.
      Love, Karen

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