Every time I go to counseling I come away with something new. This time it was the idea of two worlds – the Trauma World and the Non-Trauma World. I’ve spent my life in the former. I know how it works, and I’ve rarely stepped outside of it.
The rules are: You don’t matter; nobody will care or believe you; nobody can be trusted; everybody is out to get you; you must be very strong in order to keep yourself safe; you must never let down this defense; you are alone.
Which is rather handy – it’s straightforward, and it keeps you safe.
But, there are costs. It is damaging to good relationships, particularly with one’s husband and daughters. And you end up feeling more pain than you need to, because every single thing is dealt with as another trauma.
That’s where it gets complicated. I’d like to pop out of TW and into NTW, but it seems like a massive risk. If I put myself out there anything could happen. People might walk all over me. I’d hate myself for opening myself up to it.
There are a couple of things in my life right now that I’d be better off dealing with from the Non-Trauma World. One is the fact of having my life ripped up by SSRIs, a doctor who doesn’t seem at all perturbed about it, and pharmaceutical companies who still sell these drugs. This is a trauma, certainly, but I don’t need the extra pain gained from linking it into my childhood trauma and the Trauma World.
So how does a person who has spent their life in the Non-Trauma World go about this stuff? That’s what I need to figure next. I’ve got absolutely no idea. For now, I’m just liking the idea that a Non-Trauma world actually exists, and that I could choose to pop over there if I felt like it.