Whatever regular relationships look like, that’s not what Aaron and I have. There’s been too much pain, too many issues, and so often I am just not really present. Until recently, coping with the effects of my childhood took most of my focus and energy. I was often living in survival mode. I was – can still be – decidedly difficult to live with. I sure wouldn’t have liked to live with me:-)
So what we have is another sort of relationship, which we are still uncovering. We are finding what it is, how it moves and flows, where it meets its edges, what it needs and what it can give. There is love in those spaces; more than a person could ever guess at. I have been slow to see that I am blessed, that there is goodness.
Can I sit, wait, expect no particular thing? See what I might give? I could try. I want to try.
It comes back to quieting, seeing what is in my heart and trusting life to let the next step emerge. I need to find the way in my bones, to feel the weight and stability of a true thing.
Love in the spaces has a comforting weight, like a settling of blankets, like a breath out. I know it when I feel it. The true things we discover in the spaces of our relationship are what show us the way as we flow with our children, our friends, each other and ourselves.
We’ve been together now for 18 years, and I love how there is always more to us than meets the eye.