During this last week another wave of symptoms has hit me. I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been. After 11 months of tapering I know how random the process of healing is. I wrote this in my diary:
I want something real, a purpose, a thing I do in this life that means something. But – nothing. Sore ‘roaring’ ears, dizzy, queasy, tired, sad, fearful. Ugh. So angry at the people who put me in this situation – people who don’t have to take any responsibility. It’s all on me. To accept, to manage, to live. They can make a decision, make my life so hard for so long, and still they have no response.
I get bored, oddly, so stuck, so frightened of being stuck in a hurting body and soul. Last night, desperate for relief, I thought of God. It took a minute to remember that I’ve lost the faith I once had. He isn’t there anymore, for me, in the way I once believed he was. And after that thought, the only comfort, the only fall-back, was suicide.
Is that all there is? It was a strange thought, but it did offer some relief – the possibility of opting out.
But I didn’t want that to be my safety-net, my way to cope with the pain. So I thought to remind myself that there is goodness, inside me, co-existing with my pain. It made me queasy, trying to be aware of both at once. It was hard, and in some ways I didn’t like it. But after a while I quieted and calmed, and knew I’d quietly go to sleep.
A wave has the ability to knock me sideways, and once in a wave I get so frightened of always being in pain. But this time, I found my way out. Even if it wasn’t, on the first try, completely comfortable. I think the goodness-pain connection is one I need to look at more, because it’s where I am right now, and it’s also the way through.