The Goodness-Pain Connection

During this last week another wave of symptoms has hit me.  I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been.  After 11 months of tapering I know how random the process of healing is.  I wrote this in my diary:

I want something real, a purpose, a thing I do in this life that means something.  But – nothing.  Sore ‘roaring’ ears, dizzy, queasy, tired, sad, fearful.  Ugh.  So angry at the people who put me in this situation – people who don’t have to take any responsibility.  It’s all on me.  To accept, to manage, to live.  They can make a decision, make my life so hard for so long, and still they have no response. 

I get bored, oddly, so stuck, so frightened of being stuck in a hurting body and soul.  Last night, desperate for relief, I thought of God.  It took a minute to remember that I’ve lost the faith I once had.  He isn’t there anymore, for me, in the way I once believed he was.  And after that thought, the only comfort, the only fall-back, was suicide. 

Is that all there is?  It was a strange thought, but it did offer some relief – the possibility of opting out. 

But I didn’t want that to be my safety-net, my way to cope with the pain.  So I thought to remind myself that there is goodness, inside me, co-existing with my pain.  It made me queasy, trying to be aware of both at once.  It was hard, and in some ways I didn’t like it.  But after a while I quieted and calmed, and knew I’d quietly go to sleep. 

A wave has the ability to knock me sideways, and once in a wave I get so frightened of always being in pain.  But this time, I found my way out.  Even if it wasn’t, on the first try, completely comfortable.  I think the goodness-pain connection is one I need to look at more, because it’s where I am right now, and it’s also the way through. 




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