Angry

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Photos by my daughter, of places near our home.

A stupid man walked on my lawn yesterday, twice, and I’m still really angry.  There’s builders working right next door.  My home is my home and I need it to be just for me.  I need it to be safe and I need to be assured that no-one is going to be here uninvited.

I told him it wasn’t okay, but he argued with me!  I repeated it’s not okay to waltz on through other people’s places, and not to come here again.  But inside I was so mad.  I wanted to whack him with my spade, and yell and hit and punch him.  I wanted to make him run away and never come back.  I wanted to wreck his car and make him understand that he was completely out of line.

The feelings stayed with me all evening, and again this morning I am feeling shaken and unsettled.

I have attempted to direct the anger where it actually belongs, but there is such a disconnection there that it’s hard to do.  This time I’ve managed it more than other times, but still only slightly, and in a more intellectual than practical way.  I am surprised at how angry I still am.  It’s been a long time since it came up like this.  I cried so hard my face was aching, and so I wasn’t able to keep crying because it hurt too much.  But there’s still more in there.

I find it very hard to know what is an awful thing and what isn’t.  Any bad thing seems awful to me, and I find it really hard to work out what’s what.  Today I can see that a man walking on my lawn is inconsiderate and a bit rude, but probably not awful.  However yesterday I wanted to smash him.

I also found myself dealing with my need to never let people get away with things.  I hate it if, after an event, I think I’ve let somebody get away with something.  I want to know that I always protect myself completely.

But what I realised last night – that I don’t think I’ve worked out before – is that even when I do protect myself completely and deal with a situation well, I still feel like I didn’t.  I still feel ill-treated and angry.  Which I guess is a clue that the anger is connected to my past, when I was not protected.

I should have been protected; I couldn’t protect myself.  Sometimes I wonder crazy things like what if I’d run outside and down the street?  What if I’d called the police one day?  What if I bit and hit and yelled?  And why did I not do any of these things?

Too little, of course.  Too scared.  Too well raised to be a good girl and not make a fuss.  Which is the main reason I parent the way I do:  I let my girls make their own decisions, choose their own way.  I listen to their ‘no’ so that they are well used to stopping things that they don’t like or want.

I didn’t put them in situations when they were too young – like staying the night somewhere without me.  They stayed with me till they became old enough and strong enough to be safe.  Until they had a strong voice, and knew how to recognise what they didn’t like and were able to immediately act against it.

These are safe-guards that my parents (and too many others) failed to put in place.  And I’m so angry about that.

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4 thoughts on “Angry

  1. Natasha says:

    You are MiGHTY!!

  2. This struck me deeply. My need to always handle things assertively yet failing it seems so much of the time. A part due to my still blaming myself for what others did to me as a child. Such pressure to put on myself, a girl whose voice was stolen. To this day I often cannot speak up for myself. Some things taken cannot be retrieved.
    But you reclaim these precious virtues by ensuring your daughters have the voice you didn’t and couldn’t have. How powerful!

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