Things are somewhat better these days. No depression, less anxiety. I’ve been coping better. Tapering is going well, though slowly. After an eight month hold in order to stabilise, I am now able to reduce at a rate of about 4% monthly and with very few withdrawal symptoms.
I get much less scared at night, and do things that previously I never would have considered. This week I took my girls camping – in an actual tent! – out at Ruapuke. I loved it. I sat on top of the hill and watched the sea and hills and sky. I moved slowly.
This might be my last post. I don’t feel like a wreck any more. Things aren’t perfect – especially during PMS – but they’re okay. I expect I’ll keep healing, in slower, less obvious ways. But I’ve got to a place where I’m no longer stuck or lost or despairing.
I like it. It’s a relief, and it’s just plain nice to feel like I’m okay. I’ve read back over this whole blog, and I’m going to print it out because it documents my hardest years. I know that I’ll still have to manage things, still have to take care of myself, but that particularly difficult chapter has closed.
I’m glad that I kept going when all I wanted to be was nothing, because it turns out that I like who I am.