Okay

Things are somewhat better these days.  No depression, less anxiety.  I’ve been coping better.  Tapering is going well, though slowly.  After an eight month hold in order to stabilise, I am now able to reduce at a rate of about 4% monthly and with very few withdrawal symptoms.

I get much less scared at night, and do things that previously I never would have considered.  This week I took my girls camping – in an actual tent! – out at Ruapuke.  I loved it.  I sat on top of the hill and watched the sea and hills and sky.  I moved slowly.

This might be my last post.  I don’t feel like a wreck any more.  Things aren’t perfect – especially during PMS – but they’re okay.  I expect I’ll keep healing, in slower, less obvious ways.  But I’ve got to a place where I’m no longer stuck or lost or despairing.

I like it.  It’s a relief, and it’s just plain nice to feel like I’m okay.  I’ve read back over this whole blog, and I’m going to print it out because it documents my hardest years.  I know that I’ll still have to manage things, still have to take care of myself, but that particularly difficult chapter has closed.

I’m glad that I kept going when all I wanted to be was nothing, because it turns out that I like who I am.