I am healing my soul
From Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which developed after
Childhood sexual abuse.
I am healing from Soul-Pain.
I’ve created this blog because I want to share experiences of healing with others who are also healing. I’ve come to believe that finding the grit, desire, energy and motivation to keep healing is beyond the resources of any one person. We who are healing need connection, relationship, empathy, and people who can hold the hope for us during the times it’s simply beyond us.
I’ve been healing through my teens, 20s and 30s, dealing with depression, anxiety, anger, sleep issues, fear, exhaustion and hopelessness, among others. What I thought would take a year or two turned out to be a long, then longer, then ridiculously long path, until I finally figured out there is no end point. No ‘I’m all better’ day. That realisation hit me hard. I mistook it for hopelessness, because I couldn’t see how I could possibly sustain the energy to keep healing indefinitely. To keep getting up and trying again.
I want to write of how I reached the point of believing I had tried everything, and nothing had worked. Of being lost and stuck and unfixable. Of spiraling downwards, re-emerging, tumbling down again, scrambling up again…
I want to write of the sheer struggle to keep healing, and the crap feeling of aloneness. Of how hard it is when life heaps new shit onto old shit, and you were only just managing to hold the weight before.
I want to write how I eventually began to see that there are in fact some sustainable paths. Ways to continue healing through my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s… I want to share these pathways; how they’ve led me to this place of finally feeling some hope.
The gritty path of continued healing is not often talked about, and not well understood – especially by those who’ve never been there – but I think there are many of us on it. Healing after childhood trauma means dealing with many layers, many issues. It’s complex and it takes time, maybe even a life-time, but that’s not as bad as it sounds because healing is the restoring of your relationship with yourself. It’s hard and it’s good. I am liking discovering more of who I am, more of what is in my heart.
In this blog you are invited to simply read, or read and comment, or read and share your own experiences. I hope you will feel a little less alone on your path.
With love and empathy,